I went on an almost 3 mile run today without my Nike Plus to track it. The sensor battery went dead, and I did a 'Map My Run' when I got home to track the mileage but not clocking that mileage in on the Nike Plus was disheartening to say the least. And I didn't get to the store to get a new sensor so now I head on a 4 day business trip to much better weather where I will have to guesstimate my mileage out among the cacti.
And speaking of the trip, have I mentioned how much I hate to fly? I know it is some sort of control thing. This is why I am a backseat driver, a perpetual worry wart and, well kind of annoying about the whole thing. I used to get prescribed meds for the flights, but since I keep travelling for work, I don't want to feel lousy or groggy so I have given it up and gone for the whole, 'I am sure I am not going to die today' mantra instead. Leaving the kids home is awful. My anxiety levels go through the roof thinking about something happening to me while away and that they will become motherless. I know how irrational this is. I know about the data and statistics- you could get hit by a bus walking the street tomorrow- blah, blah, blah But it doesn't make it any easier.
I hope that my battery life extends into seeing my children get married, into meeting my grandchildren, hell- even the great grand-kids. I hope that I am a marathon running old woman who loves to take her grand-kids shopping and for Chinese food. I hope that I don't kaput too early and while taking airplanes away from my family always makes me think of this; I cannot live life in fear. I have to go and live it the best I can, each day to the fullest, without thinking too much of the unknown. Easier said than done my friends but I certainly am going to try.
I write in a journal the night before I leave my kids for any trip. My mom suggested I do it and I started it the first trip I took away from Maggie. It always begins with 'My dearest darlings, Maggie and Ben' and always ends with 'Love you both always and always, Love Mom'. I write about the little things happening in our lives, some big things happening in the world and the hopes I have for them. I hope that someday, they and all my grand and great-grand kids will sit together and read it and know how much I loved my Maggie and Ben. And how everything I do is for them.
So, when I run through the cacti in the nice 60 degree weather after arriving at my destination tomorrow, I will think of them at school and hope that they will not miss me too much. And maybe I will round up on the mileage when I track it all down. I mean, I know it is the journey, not the destination, right?
